Sunday, April 20, 2014

really thankful for the weekend away. away from everything that has been weighing upon my heart the past few months. all the changes that drove me to the brink of what i could take so very often . it has been tough - dealing with issues of life, issues of heartache, and adapting to the whole idea of "work". it was tough emotionally i think; more so then physically.

i really appreciate quiet walks, being in sync with nature, having calm blue-ish waters and lying there with a book and my journal. i appreciate time to think, and reflect - although sometimes that can drive me crazy.

it was also easter weekend. a time to remember the grace of God, the love of God, the victory of God, the glory of God all displayed on the cross. death, and then resurrection. salvation. how deep the father's love for us

the only thing i could not run away from though- my own thoughts and emotions.
fighting emotions can be so tough.
but i want to become a girl who is full of heart and emotions, and yet strong enough to not let them get me down.

ive been thinking so much about you and everything that has happened.
it has made me re-evaluate as well the kind of guy/relationship i want. sure i had a whirlwind romance, one where i felt like i was living in a korean drama. but if there was no lasting commitment, no enduring love, no willingness to fight things through.. then is it something that i want? is it something that would last?
many people go through similar hurdles of distance. many fail, some make it through - i guess those that do - are truly the ones who are meant to be, who deserve to be together. i guess slowly i am learning to let go. i once said i would wait, but i realised perhaps waiting is not so wise afterall. perhaps first i need to  release myself from the pain and hurt that im holding on to. and so what is love? is love all the sweet things you can do for a girl, all the sweet things you can say to a girl. or is it, a quiet stable sort of love, one that is ready to say sorry, one willing to think for others, patient, enduring, forebearing, a love that pursues, a love that imitates the love that Jesus had
or perhaps - its different for different people too

well i dont think ill have my answer anytime soon. but this weekend was significant in my journey of grief & healing. thank you Lord <3

last of all though congrats to my dear friend getting married! its truly an exciting journey, and i pray sincerely that God will be the foundation of their relationship and that it would truly reflect His love and His presence in their lives. loveeeee you!

Sunday, April 13, 2014

i really appreciated this weekend. had a busy week at work + taking public transport for the entire week drained me a little. but little joys like having a childhood friend at work :) baking session + family outing (cycling & dinner), church on sunday + coffee with a good friend really really made my week.

woke up to a photo that threw me off and dampened my mood but im glad it was a sunday :) going to church and observing the youths was such a pleasant experience. as well as coffee run. coffee was not too bad and i really enjoyed the conversations we had. just sharing and having someone understand, and struggle together asking what this life is all about. whether this is how we are meant to live. sharing about our struggles about dealing with our fears and thoughts. we might not have all the answers now or even in this day or age but at least we know that we have the hope of a better future, and we are not on this journey alone.

so so thankful though for family & friends who have supported me through this transition into working life. i never thought it would be this hard, have never felt this lost in life before coupled with the transition in other areas which makes it an even bigger transition.

and i know i should be a lot more grateful for this job i have, which i am, i just have some thoughts & struggles & questions.

so well, four more days to go before the long weekend:) press on peeps:D

Sunday, April 6, 2014

when people ask me how's work. i dont really know how to reply them. its hard to put things into a few sentences you know, its hard to even put it into words - the emotions and thoughts i have. i mean honestly there is nothing much to complain about my job - its good hours, its decent, and im happy there in a way. but there are still questions, doubts that i have - things that i wonder if people can ever understand. what do we look for in a job anyway? 

to be faithful in the little things first, is what ive learnt. 

we always want to do big things, great things, but we need to start small. and sometimes all we need to do is to be, to be a child of God, loved by Him, loving Him and loving others. 

life on earth, is truly such a struggle... yet marked with tremendous joy. yet marked also, by trials and pain. oh how confused can i get

but tomorrow is a happy monday :) looking forward to having a childhood friend @ work! new people entering, and a lovely dinner to follow. (:

Thursday, April 3, 2014

its thursday! how time flies when you're working, truly.
made a mistake at work :/ at the worse thing is i cant even remember it because it was so long ago! i guess these things happen dont they, and i guess it keeps us humble, keeps me humble. reminds me that its all a learning journey and we are all growing.

thankful though for little encouragements at work! :>

many question marks.

Monday, March 24, 2014

oh you know
it was a good monday today & im feeling much better

times where i feel like okay, perhaps everything will turn out okay afterall.
but you know once in a while emotions hit, negative thoughts hit. and doubts creep in.

this week, i pray for the strength and resilience to stand against the devil. to stand against these emotions, thoughts, doubts.

to learn, as ive learnt from passion and purity, to direct my waiting, my desires towards God instead. to learn to control and surrender these desires instead of acting upon them.

oh, life is tough indeed.
growing up is tough.
its fun & exciting when things are going reasonably well.
it becomes harder when things are not going as well, when you feel lost, uncertain.
oh how ive failed to see sometimes from the perspective of others, too quick to think a certain way, how we let circumstances define us too much perhaps.
perhaps... im just lost.
well, we all learn

Tuesday, March 18, 2014

gave my heart away too many times.

prov 4:23 - above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.
and yet, the heart is deceitful above all things (jeremiah 17:9)

so complicated, this life, yet if i have but one focus -

Sunday, March 2, 2014

this week my life took a 180degree turn. really thankful that the week is now over, things have been settled, albeit sadly. but im glad we can move on and begin this new phase. the end of something is the start of something new, right? it will be difficult, it is difficult, but i am still thankful for God has been so good & faithful despite this difficult time. times when my emotions are literally tearing me apart and i dont know how to go on, and i can only cry out to him to ask him to sustain him. times when he ask me "will you trust me?" and taught me to let go and surrender this to him because he knows what is best for me, his sovereign loving kindness does not fail. and even when man fails, God doesnt. at least ive a new opportunity to start things right, perhaps. next time, we shall start it right.

learning how to surrender, even in tears.